(no subject)

[annapeace.livejournal.com]

Title: As the Puck Drops (part 1)
Written by: Anna and SDQ (a.k.a. Lindsey)
Rating: C for crack!fic, anything goes!
Cast: Anna, Lindsey, and a whole bunch of people sacrificed to make this fic great.
Summary: Soap Opera Digest calls it the smash hit of the summer. You should just be thankful they weren't actually smashed when they wrote it up.


[Scene: Fancy hotel lobby. Enter suspiciously frighteningly-dressed man wearing enormous sunglasses and a fur coat.]
SFDMWESAAFC: Is this a hotel?
Sprightly Front Desk Girl: Excuse me?
Guy: I SAID, is THIS A HOTEL?
Sprightly Front Desk Girl: Why yes, this IS a hotel, this is the Lombardy Providence Hotel, Resort, Spa, and Wi-Fi Hotspot, my name is Anna and I'll be your check-in assistant today, how can I help you?
Guy: I'd like to check in.
Anna: I can do that! You'd like to check in? For a reservation?
Guy: I SAID, I'd like to CHECK IN.
Anna: Okay! Can I have your name, please?
Guy: No.
Anna: I'm sorry?
Guy: No.
Anna: Then I'm afraid I can't check you in.
Guy: I need a hotel room for me and my brot--I mean, for me and MY WIFE who is totally madly in love with me.
Anna: That's nice, but I still need your name.
Guy: [leans in very closely and whispers]
Anna: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Guy: [whispers even more quietly]
Anna: Mr. Fedorov?
Guy: Why aren't you more QUIET?! Treating me like a normal person! God!
Anna: I'm sorry, Mr. ...Fedorov? Sergei?
Sergei Fedorov: [Whips off sunglasses and leans in] How do you know who I am?
Anna: You told me. Just now.
Sergei Fedorov: Ah. Well, can I go up to my room now?
Anna: Of course. [hands over room keys while giving spiel.] And if there's anything else you can dial 1 and be connected to me! Right here at the front desk!
Sergei Fedorov: Why...thank you, Anna. That's very kind of you.
Anna: Thank you, Mr. Fedorov, and please have a pleasant stay at this hotel with the absurd name.

[One hour later]
[The front desk phone rings]
Anna: Front desk, from here I can transfer you to housekeeping, concierge, the restaurant, the spa, the resort, the Wi-Fi Hotspot, and the wave pool, how can I help you?
Sergei Fedorov: There's a...a problem with my door key.
Anna: Okay, sir, I'll send someone right up.
Sergei Fedorov: No! I mean, I'm sure you can fix it.
Anna: Or, I could just send up one of the bellhops.
Sergei Fedorov: Well...no! Come fix my door key.
Anna: [heaving enormous fake sigh] I suppose.
[Anna goes upstairs and knocks on the door of the ridiculous suite.]
[Sergei opens the door]
Anna: I think your door problem is fixed. Obviously because you are in your room, and also you used the phone in your room to call downstairs.
Sergei Fedorov: No, I have a...a different problem, now.
Anna: And that would be?
Sergei Fedorov: I'm very...lonely...if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Anna: [takes pins out of straggly bun] I'm sure I could....arrange something, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Sergei Fedorov: [grins frighteningly] Brilliant!
[Fade to black]

--

*phone rings*
Anna: This is the Lombardy Providence Hotel, etcetera, my name is Anna, how may I help you?
Excited girlish voice: Hey, it's me, and why are you answering that way, this is your cell phone, isn't it?
Anna: Oh, hey Lindsey. And it is. I'm...still at work, I got confused. But I've got a moment, so what's up?
Lindsey: You'll never guess what just happened.
Anna: Dominik Hasek booked a tour that you're on?
Lindsey: No, better. I'm getting married, to his SON!
Anna: Are you serious? How did this happen?
Lindsey: Well he - his name is Misa, by the way - came in with Dom, they were on a roadtrip, I think. They just wanted to pick up some maps, but I cornered Misa and the next thing I knew, he was proposing!
Anna: Just like that?
Lindsey: Okay, technically I asked him while he was still shell shocked from seeing me make out with his father and he just kind of moaned, but I'm pretty sure it was a yes. Anyway, you have to come over after work, we don't have much time to plan the wedding. I'm thinking Saturday.
Anna: Of what month?
Lindsey: This Saturday!
Anna: That's less than four days away! *pause* I'll make some calls.
Lindsey: Lovely. Bring champagne, we can celebrate my engagement tonight and save the leftover for the reception! *hangs up*
Anna: *drops phone to floor*
Sergei: What was that all about?
Anna: Nothing. Hey, did I say you could stop?

--

[Hotel room]
[Sergei is on one knee, brandishing a diamond that appeared to be filled with starlight and moonshine to his lady-love]
Sergei: You must allow me to propose! I will not be able to live without you in my life.
Anna: Um, no.
Sergei: I demand it!
Anna: No, I've only known you for like, a couple hours. Okay, they were good hours and all, but still.
Sergei: But I've got this diamond!
Anna: No, that's a fake diamond that fell off one of your bling necklaces.
Sergei: [stricken] My life is over!
Anna: Okay.
[Later]
Anna [on the phone]: Yes...I'm on my way. And I have champagne. A lot....No, you can't bathe in it, you sick freak. Save that until you're married and your broke friends aren't subsidizing this.
[An apartment]
Lindsey: So, can we have the wedding at the hotel?
Anna: I see no reason why not.
Lindsey: Okay, good, because we're going to need lots and lots and lots of guest space because I'm planning on inviting everyone I've ever known and then Dom--I mean, Misa--is going to have to invite loads of really important Czech people and hockey players and whatnot and--
Anna: Wait a minute! Did you say hockey players?
Lindsey: Uh, yes.
Anna: This is going to be awesome!
Lindsey: And I have to invite everyone by phone so it's a good thing I'm not going into work the next couple days because like I said I have to invite everyone I've ever known, and then I found out where Misa and Dom are staying which is good because I'm going to have to go interrogate them tomorrow and we're going out to dinner, at least Dom and I are, I don't know about Misa because he still seemed pretty ill when I called him up a couple minutes ago but that could have been because apparently they went to some dive restaurant, like, why wouldn't you pay attention to me? I'm a tour guide, I can give really good advice about where to eat! But no, they had to go out on their own so when I tracked down Misa's number on the Internet he sounded awfully surprised and sort of sick.
Anna: Oh. Okay.
Lindsey: So, how come your suit looks like it spent most of its time in a heap on the floor today?

--

Anna: Oh, that. I took it off while I was on break. I had a lot of breaks today. Did I mention Sergei Fedorov checked in today?
Lindsey: Really? Wonderful, I can cross him off my list and you just tell him to come to the wedding. Speaking of which, we should get cracking…

[The days flew by in a furious whirlwind of phone calls, credit card swipes and dress fittings, and soon the day of the wedding was upon them. The grand ballroom of the Lombardy Providence Hotel was decorated to the hilt with flowers and scented candles and anyone with allergies was given Benadryl after signing the guest book. Well dressed NHLers filled the groom’s side of the hall, while dozens of beautiful giggling ladies took seats on the bride’s side. No one found it strange that there were no family members present except for the father of the groom who was, of course, vitally important.

Finally, the wedding march was struck by a classy string quartet and the bride entered on the arm of Daniel Alfredsson. No one really knew why Daniel Alfredsson was giving Lindsey away, much less Daniel himself, but because he was dressed in a sharp tuxedo with a pink shirt, no one really cared. Lindsey, of course, was glowingly radiant in a lacy confection of a gown with a train so long it needed six children dressed as angels to carry to it. They proceeded down the velvet aisle in a stately manner to the dais where Misa was waiting. Once there Daniel gave Lindsey away with a confused smile and Misa took her arm with a trembling hand.]

Priest: Mawwage is what bwings us togwether today....
Lindsey: Oh god…here, let me help you. I do. Misa!
Misa: I don’t feel so well.
Lindsey: *stomps Misa’s foot*
Misa: I mean I do! I do!
Lindsey: Ahem.
Misa: Oh, yeah. *slips gigantic sapphire and ruby ring onto her finger*
Anna: To the reception!
Guests: Hooray!

[Misa was still looking vaguely disturbed as he and Lindsey took the first dance. It went well enough until Lindsey decided the traditional father-daughter dance would become a father-in-law-daughter dance, which sent Misa wandering off to the restroom mumbling about washing his eyes.

Placated by the dance, Dom didn’t make an issue of there being no chicken entrée on the dinner menu.

Although Anna had come to the wedding with Sergei, Sergei had found other avenues of entertainment.]

Sergei: Excuse me miss, but might I say you look as delectable as the chocolate bonbon you hold in your hand.
Beautiful dark haired woman: Thank you, but I should tell you I have a date and he’ll be returning shortly.
From elsewhere, what is unmistakably Brett Hull’s voice: Rebecca, check out the cake! It’s like ten cakes! In ten different flavors! My god!
Woman, now known as Rebecca: *sighs* Or not. *looks at Sergei with interest* Would you like a taste of my bonbon?
Sergei [grinning]: Would I!

[more elsewhere]

Anna: I’m so glad you could come. I put a lot of effort into this thing, you know.
Patrick Roy: *eyeing a busty bridesmaid* Yes, I’m so glad I came too.
Anna: I even got Lindsey silk sheets with white clouds on them, so she can fly free as a bird as she sleeps.
Patrick: How considerate. Excuse me. *slides away*
Anna: *shrugs* Hey, waiter! Get me a glass from the red wine fountain, and bring Jordin Tootoo with it!

--

[A waiter appeared with a glass of wine and a sadly confused-looking Jordin Tootoo trailing along behind]
Anna: Hi! I'm Anna! You don't know me, but I arranged this whole wedding.
Jordin: I don't really know why I'm here. I don't know Mr. Hasek.
Anna: So? You can meet him! [She looks around.] Actually, I haven't seen him in a while. Or Misa, for that matter. I wonder where he is?
Jordin: [perking up] Oh, I know where he is. I saw him sitting outside the reception hall with his head in his hands and shaking.
Anna: Oh. That's sad, I guess.
Jordin: I'm sure he'll be fine. Plus earlier he tried to get inside the wine fountain but the waiters wouldn't let him. They kept saying it was unhygienic, and he should go spend some time with the bride.
Anna: Have you seen her lately? I haven't.
Jordin: Perhaps we should go look for her.
Anna: Good idea! Maybe she's over there, in the coat closet.
Jordin: Wait, what?
Anna: Seriously, come on, I bet she's in the closet.

[later]
Sergei: What does a guy have to do to be treated like a normal human being? I asked for a vodka tonic on the rocks with a red swizzle stick and a lime twist and lemon zest and a napkin on the SIDE, not UNDER the glass, and look what you people bring me! This has a GREEN swizzle stick and no lemon zest at all! And the napkin! What kind of a second-rate affair is this?

[later]
Waiter: Sir, please, I have to...I have to go serve this cake now.
Man: But can you see that I get a slice of EVERY flavor cake? Come on! It can't be that hard!
Waiter: I...um...
[From somewhere else]: Goddammit Brett! Stop harassing the waiter and come and sit down so you can get your damn piece of cake!

[later]
Anna: [putting her shoes back on] Damn, we almost missed the cake!
Jordin: [dazed] What?
Anna: Cake! We almost missed cake!
Jordin: Oh! Let's go...uh...yeah.
Anna: [drags along]
Jordin: Did anybody ever find the bride?
Anna: What bride? Oh, her. Um, I don't know.
Jordin: How about Misa? I don't see him around anywhere.
Anna: Yeah, uh, me neither. Let's go get some cake.
Jordin: But...he's kind of important.
Anna: Shut up. Let's eat cake.
[They enter the hall]
Jordin: Hey, is Mr. Hasek supposed to be sitting up at the table with the bride? Why is Misa sitting on the end?
Anna: Oh, no reason. It's actually an old Czech custom.
Jordin: Really?
Anna: Yeah.

--

[near the end of reception, Lindsey thanks her guests for coming]

Lindsey: Be sure to pick up a commemorative “I attended a Hasek wedding and Lindsey was the bride” t-shirt on your way out, thanks for coming!
Sergei: Would it be a problem if I picked up two?
Lindsey: Uh, I guess not, knock yourself out.
Sergei: Great! *dashes off gleefully*
Anna: *wanders over with Jordin in tow* Have fun on your honeymoon! France is so lovely this time of year.
Lindsey: Thanks, I’ll bring you back some cheese.
Anna: You’re too good to me!
Jordin: Uh, thanks for inviting me, I think. It was a…nice wedding.
Anna: Yeah, we ought to start saving up for our own, right?
Jordin: Wait, what? We aren’t even – I don’t even – I just met you!
Anna: *laughs* You’re so silly. *air kisses Lindsey* I’ll see you when you get back!

[two weeks later at Lindsey’s new mansion, in the movie room]

Lindsey: *clicks projector button* And here’s a picture of me and Dom at Monte Carlo.
Anna: Wait, why was Dom there?
Lindsey: Oh, you know, Misa is his first born and all, Dom’s such a protective father sometimes. *clicks button* Here’s us on the Riviera.
Anna: My god, is he in a Speedo? My eyes, they burn!
Lindsey: Yeah, we tried to talk him out of that, but…*shrugs* Oh, here’s one of Misa.
Anna: I notice that Misa is looking happier about the whole married thing.
Lindsey: Well he was mostly drunk the entire time, the photos reflect that.
Anna: Oh, you visited a lot of vineyards?
Lindsey: Not really…

--

Anna: So...
Lindsey: I don't know! He's a bit, you know, [makes tippling motion with hand]. You know.
Anna: No, I don't know.
Lindsey: Well, at first, when we were in Paris--did you see those pictures? [clicks furiously] Look, here's Dom and me at the Eiffel Tower, and in front of the Louvre, and -
Anna: Who was taking these pictures?
Lindsey: Misa
Anna: Why?
Lindsey: Well, we didn't want him to be in the pictures! Nobody wants a walking wine bottle in their honeymoon photos! Anyway, he talked a little about how France had the best wine in the world and he intended to make full use of it.
Anna: I see.
Lindsey: So anyway, here we are on the train to Provence, and...
Anna: Doesn't Misa have siblings?
Lindsey: Um.
Anna: Doesn't Dom have OTHER CHILDREN?
Lindsey: Um...oh look! Here's another picture of Misa! It's very nice if you ignore the fact that his pants are filthy from where he fell down in the dirt at Versailles.
Anna: My God! He has flasks in every pocket!
Lindsey: I know. I got him one as my wedding gift to him.
Anna: Oh?
Lindsey: Yeah, I figured it would come in handy...look, here's another picture of Misa.
Anna: You took that one because he fell asleep in a chair in the gift shop while you and Dom went walking around Versailles. You told me this one already. Although he does look much less upset in his sleep.
Lindsey: I know, isn't it nice?

[later, at the door]
Anna: Anyway, I have to get back to the hotel, I have to be on the night shift today because one of the other girls had some, uh, thing to go to.
Lindsey: Okay, see you later.
[Dom pops out from another room] Dom: See you later!
Anna: [shrieking in fear] Ahhhhh! [leaps into her car and drives away]
Dom: What's wrong with her?
Lindsey: Oh, I don't know. Easily startled.

[At the hotel. A man with a funny accent wanders in, wearing a zebra-striped jacket with feathers on the end and green pants]
Anna: Can I...help you? Sir?
MWAFA: Is this the Lombardy Provi...hotel with the really long name? And the wave pool?
Anna: Yes sir, it is, and yes we do have a wave pool, it's our newest feature. Do you have a reservation?
MWAFA: Yeah, it should be under Hoogenband.
Anna: [looks it up] But you're...not...him. So much.
MWAFA: [narrows eyes] You're right. And you know what else? There's only one of me, after he decided that he had much more important things to do than to go to a wave pool with me! My God! So it'll just be one, for me, then.
Anna: Ok, Mr. Thorpe, let me just adjust...this...[clicks away on keyboard] and you're all set.
Ian Thorpe: [mumbles away about the nerve of some people]
Anna: And your room number is 342, and...I'll escort you up to your room. [vaults over the desk]
Ian Thorpe: Wow! I've never seen a desk clerk do that before.
Anna: Well, we don't have much to do at this time...so, how come you're in so late?
Ian Thorpe: Because flights from Australia only come in at strange times.
Anna: That makes sense! So you're...jet-lagged, then? And you could use some rest and relaxation time, right?
Ian Thorpe: [confused] Are you trying to sell me something? I know you've got eight frillion other things in this hotel.
Anna: No! No! That's not it at all, I just...[opens the door to room 342]. Well, as part of our new customer service program, I'll unpack your suitcase for you and you can just have a nice lie-down over there.
Ian Thorpe: Why is there an empty wine bottle over here?
Anna: Oh, we had a big wedding here a while ago and I guess the housekeeping staff haven't quite finished scrubbing down the rooms where some of the more boisterous...people were staying.
Ian Thorpe: Oh, okay.
[While Anna is busily hanging horrid clothing in Ian Thorpe's closet, her cell phone rings, and it's Jordin!]
Anna: Jordin! What do you want? I'm at work, I'm, uh...very busy!
Jordin: It's like three in the morning.
Anna: I just am, okay!
Jordin: But...I have something I need to tell you...
[At this important juncture call-waiting kicks in, and Lindsey is on the other line!]
Anna: What do YOU want?
Lindsey: I have an emergency!
[From the other room]
Ian Thorpe: You know, this is a very nice room...it's sad that I have it all to myself....

--

Anna: It is sad, isn’t it? Just a moment, Mr. Thorpe. *to phone* Is your emergency life threatening?
Lindsey: Doctors won’t think so, but I think –
Anna: Then give me twenty - *from the corner of her eye, she sees Ian Thorpe take off his jacket* - thirty minutes. I’ll call you back. *clicks to Jordin* Honey, are you still at my place?
Jordin: Well yeah, seeing as how I’m chained to the bed. That’s what I need to talk to you about -
Anna: There are cookies in the bedside drawer, I love you darling! See you in the morning! *hangs up*
Ian [wanders over]: Did something come up? *looking forlorn* Something always comes up. And now you have to go.
Anna: Quite the contrary, Mr. Thorpe, I was actually just about to ask you if you found your bed satisfactory.
Ian: Oh! *brightens* Well I don’t know, I haven’t uh, tested it yet.
Anna: Then we ought to do that.
Ian: What a good idea!

[later]
Ian: I really like this bed.
Anna: Yeah, who knew it was sturdy enough for *that*? *checks clock* Oh dear, I have to make a call.
Ian: That’s okay, I was going to shower now anyway. *heads into bathroom*
Anna: *admiring the view while dialing Lindsey* Okay, what’s this emergency?
Lindsey: Misa’s gone missing! I woke up earlier to get a glass of water and he wasn’t in bed! I don’t know what to do! Dom said he was probably out for a jog, but Misa doesn’t jog! Well, not that I know of. And even if he did he wouldn’t go out at three in the morning! I think. Anyway, help! Where could he be! I need him so much, because without him…well okay I don’t *need* him but he just makes things so much easier, you know?
Anna: All right, just calm down. Let’s approach this rationally. Do you think he’s gone to visit a friend?
Lindsey: No, because I made him get rid of all his friends.
Anna: Oh. Well how about his sister? Or mother?
Lindsey: Not his mother, because Dom is actually with her right now…he was going to spend the night but Alena got all snippy, I don’t know why. As for his sister, hmm, it might be a possibility…
Anna: There you go. Give her a call, and if he’s not there, call Rebecca.
Lindsey: Why Rebecca?
Anna: Well they met at the wedding, and she gives off such a non-threatening vibe, if Misa’s going to run to anyone it’d be her. Poor deluded thing, thinking it’d be safe with her…
Lindsey: *laughs* Oh, I know.
[suddenly there is a knock at the door, and a voice that sounds suspiciously like a contrite Pieter von den Hoogenband calls out]
Pieter: Ian? Ian, it’s me. One of the other receptionists gave me a key, I’m coming in, okay? *opens door and sees Anna sans clothing on the bed* What the hell, who are you? And where’s Ian?
Anna: Uh…*to phone* Come over, right now.
Lindsey: What? I thought I was supposed to call –
Anna: Yes, but that can wait a little longer, just come over right now. Room 342. *hangs up and beams at Pieter* Mr. Thorpe is taking a shower, I’m just keeping the bed warm.
Pieter: *glares* And I suppose you have to do that naked?
Anna: You know what they say, skin to er, sheet contact is best for transferring heat.
Ian [dripping wet and without a towel, leans into the room]: Hey, I thought I heard – Pieter! What are you doing here!
Pieter: Well I felt really bad about what happened so I flew all the way out here to apologize, and hope that you’d still want to spend the weekend together. But I see you’ve made other plans!
Ian: I haven’t! She…um, Miss Asian girl person…
Anna: Anna.
Ian: Yeah, Anna was just turning down the bed while I showered.
Pieter: And this required her being naked.
Ian: This room is no clothes allowed?
Anna: It is now. Hotel policy, Mr. Van den Hoogenband, clothes off.
Pieter [still suspicious but wavering]: Well…
[a knock at the door, and Lindsey’s voice]
Lindsey: Okay, I’m here, are you going to let me in?

--

[Everyone in the room turns to the door]
Pieter: Who is THIS now?
Anna: Well, we have a special tour coordinator who makes room calls...at three o'clock in the morning.
Ian: But we really wanted to visit the wave pool, and--
Anna: She can help you! With that! [opens the door]
Lindsey: I--oh my.
Pieter: Who are YOU?
Lindsey: I'm Mrs. Hasek! I'm a married woman! [sees Ian] I--on the other hand, it hasn't been that long, and I...
[Lindsey's cell phone rings]
Lindsey: Oh! Maybe it's Misa! Maybe he's lost or got hit by a car or something while "jogging," yeah, like I so believe that. [click!] Hello?
Jordin: Help me! Please help me!
Lindsey: Who is this?
Jordin: I'm chained to Anna's bed and there are no good cookies, only the crappy kind, and nothing to drink! No milk!
Lindsey: You wouldn't happen to have seen my husband run by, would you? Except I haven't chained him to the bed. I just invested in a titanium lock for my bedroom door and sent him down to the living room for a while.
Jordin: I haven't seen ANYTHING because I'm CHAINED to a BED!
Lindsey: Oh, that's unfortunate. [hangs up] Anna, come here, I need to talk to you about urgent hotel business. [They step into the hall] You are sick! You left someone chained to your bed with only crap cookies while you went out cavorting with Ian Thorpe!
Anna: That's not true. I went to work, and he just happened to be here, and happened to need help finding his room. And they were not crap cookies, they were original Fig Newton's, and if he doesn't like them, tough.
Lindsey: Still!
Anna: Your husband is missing and you don't seem to mind all that much!
Lindsey: That's not true. I mind A LOT. And so does Dom, he seemed very upset when I called him. But not as upset as Alena because I could hear her screaming from the other room while on the phone.
Anna: And you call me weird.
[Meanwhile, in the room]
Ian: Yeah, I...I don't really know what happened, here.
Pieter: You don't?
Ian: No. She showed me to the room, and I said I'd guess I'd take a shower, you know? And the next thing I knew you were coming in and she was still here! I thought she left!
Pieter: [brightening] Really?
Ian: [nodding] Really. That's the truth the whole truth so help me God and blah blah blah.
Pieter: So we can still go to the wave pool this weekend!
Ian: Right!
[Anna and Lindsey reenter]
Lindsey: So, Mr. van den Hoogenband, I'd like to show you to the wave pool.
Pieter: Isn't it...like, three in the morning?
Lindsey: Yes, but you really should see it. Right now. When there's nobody else around.
Pieter: Oh, okay. [He trots off, Lindsey follows]
Anna: You know, I can sing the entire Australian anthem.
Ian: [eyes begin to water] You can? Nobody I've met can do that...not even Pieter can do that!
Anna: Well, sucks to be him, then.

[A couple hours later]
Lindsey: [bursts into the room, followed nanoseconds later by Pieter] Misa called me! At last! My angel, I was so worried!
Anna: Aaaaahhhh! Uh, good for you?
Lindsey: Yes, he's going to meet us at the hotel. This is room 342, right?
Ian: I thought this was supposed to be a private hotel room, not a bus stop!
Lindsey: Don't be silly. There are no buses on the third floor.
Pieter: [to Ian] The wave pool is really cool! I only caught a glimpse of it from the hot tub, but I think it's really cool!
[There is a knock at the door. Lindsey answers]
Lindsey: Oh, Dom! I'm so glad you're here! [She closes the door behind him]
Ian: [to Anna] Is that her husband?
Anna: Um. No.
[There is another knock at the door]
Ian: Then who is THAT?

--

[the door opens, revealing Sergei Fedorov and Martin Prusek]
Sergei: So anyway, like I said it’s not that expensive to get things sheathed in gold, and if you ever feel like getting your bathroom redone – who are you people!
Lindsey: You’re not Misa!
Anna: Whoever double booked this room is going to be fired, mark my words!
Martin: Dom? What are you doing here?
Dominik: Martin! What are you doing with him!
Ian: Oh my god, Pieter!
Pieter: What?
Ian: *shrugs* Everyone else was exclaiming things, I wanted to join in.
Pieter: Sometimes you worry me, Ian.
Ian: That’s what Coach says all the time. I just tell her I’m not fat, it’s water weight! Water weight!
Anna: Of course it is, Mr. Thorpe. Uh, why don’t you and Pieter come with me? It’s morning already, so I can show you some nice places for breakfast. I should probably check on Jordin too…
[Anna leaves the room with Ian and Pieter]
Martin: This isn’t what it looks like, Sergei was just –
Dom: I know what he was just! Sheathing things in gold, eh?
Sergei: What are you trying to innuendo?
Lindsey: Wow, you know what innuendo means? Not that you used it correctly, but still.
Martin: Well what are you doing here? With her!
Dom: She’s my daughter in law! It’s perfectly natural we spend time together.
Lindsey: Plus, we’re looking for my husband. You haven’t perchance seen him, have you? He’s got dark hair, pale skin, wild eyed and shaky?
Sergei: I think I saw him in the lobby with Rebecca. Oh, that bewitching woman, she lured me in and broke my heart! Already married to Igor Larionov! How could she!
Lindsey: Yeah yeah, poor you. What the hell is Misa doing with Rebecca? *dashes off to confront Misa*
Dom: Well. It looks like it’s just the three of us, now.
Martin: Yeah. Just us. Alone. Here in this hotel room.
Dom: With that rumpled bed looking lonely in the corner.
Martin: We’re obligated to keep the bed company then.
Dom: Yes, I think so.
Martin: But it’s not big enough for three, is it?
Dom: Doesn’t seem so.
Sergei: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
[Sergei is shoved into the hallway, the door hitting him in the ass as it shuts. He sits indignant for awhile before hopping to his feet.]
Sergei: That’s the trouble with men. Better to stick to women. And off I go to find one!

[meanwhile, in the lobby]
Lindsey: Misa, there you are! I’ve been so worried! What are you doing with Rebecca?
Misa: Save me! *dashes to cower behind Lindsey*
Rebecca: What, you think he’d call you on his own? *buffs nail on her shirt* Five minutes with me though…well okay, maybe letting him watch Brett eat donuts was a bit traumatizing. It was his first time seeing that.
Lindsey: Well thanks for finding him, and returning him. *to Misa* You’ve been a very naughty boy, and I think we all knows what happens to naughty boys.
Rebecca: Can I describe it to him in detail? Using Patrick Roy as an example?
Misa: Nooo!
Lindsey: That’s right, it’s cabana boy time. Let’s go. *to Rebecca* You’re welcome to come over, Misa makes a great mimosa.
Rebecca: Hmm, I might have to take you up on that.

[meanwhile, at Anna’s apartment]
Ian: I don’t see the restaurant.
Pieter: Because this isn’t one, Ian. My god, it’s a good thing you’re pretty.
Ian: Aww, thanks Pieter!
Anna: Just a sec guys, I just have to check something really quick, then we can go. *peers into bedroom* Hi darling, how are you doing?
Jordin: Do you know I have been trapped in a snow storm once and had nothing to eat but raw meat? I wish I was back there!
Anna: Fig Newtons aren’t that bad.
Jordin: Yes they are! Look, I’ll marry you, okay? Just don’t give me any more Fig Newtons!
Anna: Remember, a verbal contract is legally binding! *unlocks Jordin* This is wonderful, sweetie, now we’re engaged! Let’s go celebrate. Ian, Pieter, we’re going to IHOP!

--

[That morning, at IHOP]
Pieter: I'll have the fresh fruit plate, please.
Anna: I'll have two scrambled eggs with wheat toast and fruit, please.
Jordin: I'll have raw meat. [He is kicked violently under the table] Ow! God! Just kidding! I'll have an omelet with cheese and spinach in it, please, and pancakes on the side.
Ian: [dazed] I'll have the Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, and I'd like some pancakes with syrup and butter on the side, and I'd like a plate of bacon on the side of that. And some coffee, please.
[The table turns to look at him]
Ian: What?
Pieter: No wonder your coach says you're getting fat.
Ian: It's water weight! Water weight!
Jordin: I don't even know you and I had that one figured out.

[Meanwhile, at the Hasek compound]
Misa: [pacing around the kitchen] I just want to go upstairs! My own wife has put a deadbolt lock on our bedroom door and I don't have a key! And there are suspicious sounds coming from the room. I just want to change my clothes and have a shower—after watching someone eat a dozen doughnuts at one time I feel ill. Rebecca's gone home and I don't know where my mom is, or my sister, or my father.
[Later]
Lindsey: Oh, hi, Misa. I didn't know you were still here.
Misa: Where else would I go? I live here!
Lindsey: Touchy, touchy, touchy, aren't we. God.
Misa: I have to take a shower!
Lindsey: Can't. Dom's in the shower.
Misa: What? The shower in our bathroom?
Lindsey: Yeah.
Misa: Oh, God…I…I have to go lie down. [He collapses in the middle of the floor]
Lindsey: Suit yourself. I have to go to work. [She steps over his body and leaves]

[On a walking tour that Lindsey is giving]
Lindsey: And on your left, you'll see the famous bank building that has been featured in so many movies, including Dawn of the Dead, The Maltese Falcon, and The Godfather.
Man on the tour: That's a lie! That wasn't in the Godfather!
Lindsey: Excuse me?
MOTT: I would know!
Lindsey: I…okay. [Examines his nametag.] Mr. Richards, if you'll just save this conversation for when we get back to the hotel at the terminus of this tour, I can give you a full explanation and history of the bank building and—
Brad Richards: Well, fine.

[They return to the hotel, where Anna is sitting behind the desk with Jordin in the corner behind her. Lindsey enters with Brad Richards in tow, while Ian and Pieter sit in the lobby, muttering to each other.]
Anna: Lindsey! I'm so glad you're back! There's been a tour emergency!
Lindsey: Uh, what?
Anna: A tour emergency! One of the other tour guides fainted dead away on the pavement and you need to go find the tour!
Lindsey: [dashes out]
Anna: And then, I—[catches sight of Brad Richards] Oh my God.
Brad: Dammit! I need an explanation!
Anna: I can explain things to you.
Brad: What?
Anna: What do you need explained?
Brad: I…the bank building…something.
Anna: Are you a guest in this hotel?
Brad: Yes.
Anna: Ok, I'll just…[taps on the keyboard] Let me show you to your room. It's right this way.
Jordin: Wait just a second!
Brad: [understandably surprised to see someone pop up from a hiding spot behind the front desk] Ahhh!
Ian: Ahhhh! No! Say it isn't true!
[The lobby doors burst open and Dom dashes in]
Everyone else in the lobby: Ahhhhhh!
Dom: What?
Anna: What do you want, Jordin?
Jordin: You're not supposed to show people to their rooms! You're supposed to stay right here!
Anna: You don't know that!
[The lobby doors open again and Lindsey enters with another tour group behind her. Among the tourists is Vincent Lecavalier]
Lindsey: Ahhh! You'll never believe what happened!
Brad: Vinny!
Lindsey: Dom!
Ian: Pieter!
Jordin: Anna!
[The elevator doors open and Sergei and Misa walk in slowly]

--

Lindsey: Misa! Why are you with HIM? *snatches Misa up* You’ll get diseases!
Sergei: Wait, I know you…*turns to Misa* You’re not a woman!
Misa: I never said I was one!
Sergei: Well you sure fooled me!
Lindsey: Don’t you accuse my man of being a woman!

[across the lobby]
Ian: You said that I could have your children! Me! And now I find out that some hussy is having your kid? We are so over!
Pieter: Ian, YOU CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN! I’m doing this for us, don’t you see?

[at front desk]
Jordin: Look, if we’re going to be married you can’t do this anymore!
Anna: You want me all to yourself? *touched* You really do love me!
Jordin: Is that what this feeling is? I thought it was the spinach backing up. Huh.
Anna: That is so romantic. Let’s make out right now.
Jordin: Uh, okay.
[they proceed to make out on the marble counter top]
Brad: Wait, does this mean I’m not getting anything explained to me?
Vinny: What did you need explained?
Brad: Uh, something about a bank and movies, I forget the details.
Vinny: Hey, I bet this woman I met on tour can help you. Her name is Chrissy, she’s really smart.
Brad: Awesome!
Anna [while up for air]: Call me this weekend! *throws business card at Brad*
Brad: Papercut! Ow!

[across lobby]
Pieter: Ian, I love you even if you are fat!
Ian: *bursts into tears* I’m not fat! I’m pregnant!
Pieter: …okay, we just talked about this.

[near elevators]
Lindsey: So from now on, you don’t wander out of the house without your col – I mean, necklace, so you won’t be mistaken for a stray by SOME people *glares at Sergei* and taken away from me.
Misa: I think this is demeaning…ooh, shiny.
Sergei: It’d look better in gold.
Lindsey: You, shut up.

[finally, Dom, who has been standing bewildered all this time, yells loudly]
Dom: Who am I and what am I doing here? The last thing I remember is slipping in the shower…
A man standing in the shadows: This man has amnesia!