(no subject)

[annapeace.livejournal.com]

Title: As the Puck Drops (part 2)
Written by: Anna and SDQ (a.k.a. Lindsey)
Rating: C for crack!fic, anything goes!
Cast: Anna, Lindsey, and a whole bunch of people sacrificed to make this fic great.
Summary: Soap Opera Digest calls it the smash hit of the summer. You should just be thankful they weren't actually smashed when they wrote it up.


Dom: I do not! Look, there's my wife. [Points to Lindsey]
Misa: Wait, what?
Lindsey: [shrug] I don't know, he has amnesia!
Misa: You're my wife! [To Dom] Who do you think you are?
Dom: I'm Patrick Roy, of course!
Lindsey: [faints dead away]
Misa: Oh my God! What do we do now?
Man standing in the shadows: I know what we can do.
Everyone in the room: Steve Yzerman!
Stevie: [shrugs] I thought I could be of help somehow.
Misa: What do we do now?
Sergei: Well, if I were you, I'd take off that damn collar.
Misa: It's not a collar, it's a very shiny necklace.
Brad: I could call someone, I guess. [looks at the business card]
Vinny: You dipshit, that's that girl's number. You want to call 911 or something.
Brad: 911? For someone who fainted?
Vinny: No! For the man who thinks he's Patrick Roy!
Dom: [talking in very bad Quebec accent] So, zen I was in ze shower, and I was thinking, good God! Zis shower eez feelthy! And zen I slipped and fell.
Stevie: [takes Dom by the shoulders] Listen to me. You are not Patrick Roy. You are Dominik Hasek.
Dom: [spits] Zat Dominik Hasek! Vhat are you, eensane?
Brad: Okay! I've got 911 on the phone, what now?
Ian: Tell them I'm pregnant!
[The room falls silent]
Pieter: [puts his face in his hands] What did I JUST TELL YOU?
Stevie: Tell them we have a man who thinks he's Patrick Roy.
Brad: [relays this information to the dispatcher]
Misa: Do you think my dad's going to be okay? And my wife?
Brad: The 911 guy wants to know why Jose Theodore is here.
Stevie: Oh, God.
Anna: [staggers over] What happened?
Vinny: You don't want to know.
Dom: Pfuit! [He bums a cigarette off Sergei and tries to smoke it, begins coughing extravagantly]
Misa: Dad, you don't smoke.
Dom: Who are you? And vhy are you calling me 'Dad?'

[A few minutes later, the crack 911 team shows up, consisting of Tomas Holmstrom and the Sedin twins]
Ian: Oh God! I'm seeing double! [crashes to the ground]
Pieter: No you're not. They're twins.
Ian: [opens his eyes] But double vision is a symptom of pregnancy.
Pieter: What is with you? No, it's not.
Henrik: What seems to be the problem?
Stevie: This man, [gesturing to Dom] thinks he's Patrick Roy.
Dom: [talking to the columns in the lobby]
Brad: [gestures to the floor] And he called this girl his wife and she freaked out and fainted and his son is over in the corner freaking out, too.
Vinny: That's not true. She didn't faint until he said he was Patrick Roy.
Sergei: Well, I'd faint, too, if I was in the presence of Patrick Roy.
Martin Prusek: [who has been standing, rather ineffectually, in the elevator lobby this entire time] I fainted the first time I was introduced to Dom.
Daniel: I think the best course of action would be for everyone to go
to the hospital.
Jordin: What, everyone? That's just asking for trouble.
Homer: [unintelligible]
Henrik: You're right! Into the ambulances, everyone!
Jordin: Wait, Anna, we just went over this, you're not supposed to leave the front desk.
Anna: Would you shut up?
Martin Prusek: Why do I have to go? I didn't do anything?
Sergei: [sidles up to him] You can ride with me.

--

[at the hospital]
Lindsey [waking up from her faint in a hospital bed]: Uh, I just had an awful dream that I was actually having a secret affair with Patrick Roy. *looks around* Where am I?
Handsome blond man dressed as a doctor: At the General City hospital, how do you feel?
Lindsey: You’re Nick Lidstrom!
Nick: Good, so you know who I am.
Lindsey: You’re not a doctor!
Nick: Not yet I’m not! Are you experiencing any discomfort?
Lindsey: Uh…well actually, yes, yes I am. And I was wondering if maybe you’d help me out with that.
Nick: Of course, just tell me where it hurts.
Lindsey: Yes Doctor…

[at the maternity ward]
Ian: I want to get a sonogram done.
Pieter: To reveal what, your stomach flab?
Ian: You’re so mean to me! And I want pickles!
Pieter: You know what, get the tests done. Maybe that will prove to you that you aren’t pregnant!

[in the waiting room]
Misa: I hope my dad and Lindsey will be okay.
Anna: Don’t worry, this is a great hospital with a highly reputable staff.
[from down the hall] Stevie: I get to be doctor for a day? Cool!
Anna: Uh, well I mean, it’s Stevie –
[also from down the hall] Sergei: I get to be doctor for a day?
Anna: Hey Misa, why don’t you get some coffee?
Misa: Good idea. *heads to cafeteria*
Jordin: Are the tests they’re running on Lindsey painful?
Anna: Uh, I don’t think so, why?
Jordin: Because she’s making a lot of noise in there.
Anna: Oh look, a crash cart! Why don’t you see if they’ll let you play with the defibrillators?
Jordin: Ooh, okay! *chases after crash cart*

[in maternity ward]
Nurse: Congratulations, Mr. Thorpe, the tests came back positive! You’re going to be a father!
Ian: *beams*
Pieter: That’s impossible! Let me see that! *snatches result papers* These are for someone named Mrs. Thorne!
Ian: I’m Mrs. Thorne.
Pieter: I…Ian, do you want to get some ice cream?
Ian: Boy, do I!
Nurse: Cafeteria is that way. *points*

[in waiting room]
Brad: Is there a reason we have to wait here?
Anna: I guess not. You and Vinny can go. Just remember, you signed that contract saying you belong to me every other weekend.
Vinny: Yeah, why did you sign that?
Brad: Yeah, why did I – [Anna gives him another shot of morphine] – oh, floaty. Come on Vinny, let’s swim!
[Brad “swims” out with Vinny frowning after him]
Disgruntled Waiting Patient: You got more of that? I could use some, I’ve been waiting out here for hours and I’ve got a fucking terrible headache.
Anna: Sorry, I…Nikolai Khabibulin?
Nik: What?
Anna: Nothing, just making sure. You know, I saw more morphine in that supply closet, there.
Nik: That supply closet, there?
Anna: After you, sir.

[in cafeteria]
Misa: I’d better get a cup of coffee for Lindsey too.
[he reaches for the cream and brushes the slender fingers of a female doctor. She has long ash blonde hair and sapphire blue eyes and is dressed in a mini skirt and five inch stiletto heels. Her flawless golden face brightens in a smile.]
Misa: Oh, excuse me.
Female Doctor: No, excuse me, handsome.
Misa: *blushes* Uh, thanks. *awkward pause* I have to go check on my dad and –
Female Doctor: I can accompany you. My name is Dr. Sunshine von Lunaglow, please feel free to call me Sunny.
Misa: Um, I’m Misa Hasek.
Sunny: Well Misa, shall we? Also, would you like a full body physical today while we’re at it?

--

[In the cafeteria]
Pieter: Ian, you've got to listen to me. You are not pregnant. It is not physically possible. These papers are for some woman named Sierra Thorne, who IS pregnant. You stole them. You are not. Your ultrasound is going to come back and show that you are just fat.
Ian: [bursts into tears]
Pieter: Oh, sweet Lord.
Ian: You have no faith!
Pieter: Faith in what?
Ian: I saw it! On the Internet!
Pieter: [puts his head down]

Misa: Just let me take this coffee in to my…the patient I'm seeing first.
Sunny: Certainly. [follows him into the room]
Lindsey: [shrieks incoherently and vaults off the bed, tackling Misa and sitting on him]
Sunny: [steps back]
Misa: What was THAT for?
Lindsey: I'm so glad you're back. I was very lonely without MY HUSBAND around.
Misa: Why? There's loads of people you know around here. I saw Anna…well, I saw her a while ago but I haven't since then. And dad's in the other room.
Lindsey: [pinches him]
Misa: Ow! Ow! Stop!
Sunny: Is something…the matter?
Lindsey: No, everything is perfectly peachy, and Misa, let's go have a look at your dad, eh?

[In the other room]
Dom: Vhy do you have me een zis 'ospital? I keep telling you, I am perfectly fine.
Sergei: [wearing a lab coat and gold-plated stethoscope] Well, sir, we've just got to run some tests on you and figure out why you think you're Patrick Roy.
Lindsey: [faints again, but manages to revive herself at the sight of Sunny]
Misa: Is he going to be like this forever, doctor? Doctor? Doctor?
Sergei: Who, me?
Misa: Yeah.
Sergei: Oh, I don't know.
Misa: Oh, God.
[Anna and Nik enter the room]
Anna: Any new developments, guys?
Daniel Sedin: Oh! Mr. Khabibulin! Maybe you can help us?
Nik: [looking dazed]
Daniel: Now, go over to Mr. Hasek and introduce yourself and see what he says. He thinks he's Patrick Roy.
Nik: [rubs his eyes] Hi…Mr. Hasek…it's me, Nik Khabibulin.
Dom: [spits] Your fly is open.
Nik: Why, so it is. [zips his fly]
Dom: And the buttons in your shirt are not buttoned properly.
Nik: [buttons, concentrating very hard]
Dom: And why does everyone keep calling me Mr. Hasek? I'm Patrick Roy! Patrick Roy! Why doesn't anybody understand that?
Lindsey: [nearly faints again] I think I had better leave the room for a minute.

[In the hallway]
Nick Lidstrom: Are you doing all right, ma'am? I thought you had fainted.
Lindsey: I had.
[Sunny enters from the room]
Sunny: And she almost did several more times. [She crosses to Nick and touches his arm] What do you say we go have some cappuccino and discuss this interesting development in amnesia cases?
Nick: Well, all right, then?
Lindsey: Anna!
Anna: [pops her head in] What?
Lindsey: Come here!
Anna: What is it?
Lindsey: Look at that! [points to Nick and Sunny going down the hall] And look at that! [gestures to Jordin, shocking himself with the defibrillator paddles] And look what you've done! [gestures to Nik, collapsing and dozing in a nearby chair]
Anna: Well, that last one, he helped himself, you know.
Lindsey: I don't care! What are we going to do? Things keep getting worse!
[The hospital doors burst open wide]
Patrick Roy: I'm here! I heard that they needed me!

--

Lindsey: *shrieks and faints*
Anna: Dr. Lidstrom! We, that is, she needs you! I’m only in need of you, Mr. Roy.
Patrick: And of course I am here to save the day, tell me what I must do.
Anna: Follow me, please.

[inside Dom’s room]
Dom: Dees ees my classic statue of liberty pose, do you deny it? *flails*
Sergei: Well…yeah, I do.
Nik [still kind of dazed]: For some reason, I really need to smoke a cigarette. Don’t tell my doctor, I’ll be back. *exits*
Misa: Dad, you are not Patrick Roy.
Patrick [enters with flourish]: Because I am! How dare you imposter as me!
Dom: *bristles* No, you’re de impostor!
Anna: Look, there’s a really easy way to find out who the impostor is. We’ll take a blood test. And everyone knows that blood doesn’t lie.
Dom: *nodding* Okay, I will agree to dees.
Patrick: Anything he can do, I’ll do better!
Anna: Yeah, yeah. Sergei, the syringes, please? Sergei? [Sergei, hating the sight of blood, has left the room] Oh for Christ’s sake…Misa, go get a nurse. I’d do this, but I’m pretty sure I’ve done enough damage today.
Misa: Okay, I’ll be right back.

[in hallway]
Nick: Mrs. Hasek, wake up!
Lindsey: *groans* No more French Canadian goalies, please.
Nick: They’re all gone, Mrs. Hasek. Come on, I’ll help you to a bed so you can rest.
Lindsey: Oh Nick, you’re such a lifesaver.
[nearby, Sunny is sulking. She smiles as she spots Sergei saunter by]
Sunny: Mr. Fedorov! How are you? Perhaps you’d like to get coffee with me?
Sergei: Anything that doesn’t involve blood is fine by me!
[Sunny latches on to Sergei and shoots Lindsey a smirk.]
Lindsey: Have fun. *smirks back* And I’d sterilize him first if I were you.
[she lets Nick help her off, leaving Sunny looking somewhat disturbed with Sergei]

[in cafeteria]
Pieter: Fanfiction, no matter how many people write it, does not always reflect the truth.
Ian: Are you sure? The Internet is really powerful these days. It can make anything real.
Pieter: I’m really sure, Ian. So let’s give those test results back to Mrs. Thorne, find Anna and get the hell out of here.
Ian: *sighs* Okay.

[back in Dom’s room]
Nurse: We have the results here, are you ready to hear them?
Dom: Read on, mon petite ange.
Patrick: Okay, even I would never say something like that. I mean, really.
Anna: Let’s just get on with it, okay? I have to go get Jordin before he actually gives himself a heart attack.
Nurse: The blood work tells us that both of you are illegally inebriated, but definitely you *points to Patrick* are Patrick Roy and you *points to Dom* are Dominik Hasek.
Misa: Thank goodness!
Patrick: *smug* Of course I am. I am the greatest and no one else could be me.
Dom: Then…if I’m not Patrick, who am I?
Anna: She just told you, Dominik…never mind, not my problem. Misa, tell your wife to handle this, I’m going home. Will you walk me out Mr. Roy?
[before Patrick can reply, Rebecca dashes into the room. She sees the nurse and is stricken]
Rebecca: Curses, I’m too late! Anna, I always meant to tell you Patrick is your father, the right time just never…
Anna: What? That wasn’t just a joke?
Patrick: What? I have another kid?
Dom: What? *removes stethoscope from his ears* Oh, that’s better.
Rebecca: *uncertain* Uh, you mean that’s not a paternity test? Oops…

--

[From the next room over a piercing scream is heard]
Sunny: It burns! It burns! That's not natural!
Sergei: No, baby, no! It's the burning of love!
[Sunny dashes through the room with Sergei close behind]
Sunny: Get away from me! You're filthy!
Sergei: Not as filthy as some hockey players! One time, Pavel Bure showed me this really exotic-looking—
Sunny: Shut up!
Rebecca: Wow! Look at that! [dashes after them]
Anna: So, I really am a Roy at heart?
Patrick: Um.
Dom: I don't think I should intrude on this tender moment between father and daughter. Speaking of which, I wonder where my daughter-in-law is?
[Dom walks out of the room and is immediately knocked down by Jordin, using the rolling defibrillator cart as a scooter]
Jordin: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Anna: Dammit, Jordin! Stop that! Come back here! [chases after him]
Dom: [holding his head] Oh, my aching head. Hey, why am I in a hospital?

[In another part of the hospital]
Ian: So if I can't be pregnant, I want a kinkajou.
Pieter: You want a what?
Ian: A kinkajou. It's a small rodent-like creature from the rainforest.
Pieter: Why?
Ian: I just do, okay!
Pieter: Are you sure that's a good idea? Because I'm not.
Ian: Sure I am! It'll be fun! I'll name it Ian Junior and it can be my furry companion for all time.
Pieter: I…don't really know what to say to that.

[In the hallway]
Patrick: You're here because you thought you were me.
Dom: I thought I was you? Of all the disgusting things to imagine!
Patrick: I know, I was repulsed.
Henrik Sedin: Apparently you slipped and fell in the shower, which brought on a bout of amnesia, Mr. Hasek, in which you knew you were a famous goaltender, but you weren't sure of whom, and apparently decided on Mr. Roy.
Dom: Well, it could have been much worse.
Patrick: Yeah, you could have imagined you were Nik Khabibulin.
Nik: Hey! I heard that!

[Down the hall]
Anna: Jordin! Stop racing on the cart!
[They turn a corner and bowl into Ian and Pieter]
Ian: [falls to the floor] Oh! My unborn child!
[Silence]
Pieter: You are NOT PREGNANT! God! You were just saying how you wanted a kinkajou!
Jordin: What's a kinkajou?
Pieter: A rodent.
Jordin: Ew, like a rat? That's kind of gross.
Anna: Yeah, no kidding.
[Footsteps are heard coming closer to the site of the crash]
Sunny: Ahh! Stop chasing me! [She runs full tilt into the defibrillator cart and crashes into it] That is IT! I am leaving this profession!
Sergei: Then who's going to treat my persistent inflammation?
Sunny: I don't care!

[In another room]
Misa: Well, Dad, I'm glad you've finally figured out who you are. Maybe now we can go home and everything can return to normal.
[Suddenly he remembers what "normal" is like] Oh God! [keels over in a faint]
Dom: My son!
Patrick: That sucks.
Dom: Doctor! Doctor!
[Several doctors run screaming from another exam room]
Sergei: [following] What? It wasn't that bad!
Dom: [flags one down] My son just fainted!
Stevie: Well, why might that be?
Dom: I have no idea!

--

Patrick Roy: It is because you are a bad father, dur.
Dom: Says the man with a daughter he didn’t even know existed!
Patrick: Touché. Speaking of her, where did she get off to? *wanders off*
Dom: Doctor…uh, Stevie, can you do something about my son?
Stevie: Well I can recommend a therapist? I’m pretty sure that’s what he needs.
Dom: Really? You can’t just give him some drugs?
Stevie: That attitude is exactly why he needs a therapist. *whips out Rx notebook* Here, make an appointment for him to see Dr. Mae when he wakes up.
Dom: [taking the paper] I suppose it’s my duty as a father…

[down the hall]
Ian: My son! You’ve returned to me! *clutches Jordin, who is turning purple from lack of air*
Anna: Ian, you don’t have kids. And you definitely can’t have Jordin. He’s MINE.
Ian: Can’t we share?
Pieter: Not if you kill him first.
Ian: Oh, oops. *releases Jordin, who collapses, wheezing*
Anna: No, we cannot share. Unless you’re going to share Pieter with me?
Ian: Pieter’s your son?
Jordin: I’ve just lost thousands of brain cells, and even I can’t believe you’re that slow.

[in a private room]
Lindsey: I really ought to be getting back to my husband now. *buttons blouse* Thanks for the second physical though, I feel much better about my health.
Nick: Anytime, Mrs. Hasek.
Lindsey: I’ll call you for my next check up! *leaves room* Now, where can everyone be?
[from around the corner, a distinctive voice can be heard yelling]: It’s for my hair! My hair!
Nurse: Mr. Theodore, if you can’t calm down I’ll have to sedate you.
Jose Theodore: Well gee, you make that sound like it’s a threat.
Nurse: It is.
Jose: Oh. Well anyway, just give me my hair treatment drugs, okay?
Lindsey: So the rumors were true!

[back in the hallway]
Patrick [calling loudly]: Daughter! Let us have quality bonding time, so I can prove I am a good father, much better than Dominik Hasek!
Anna: Okay, just a minute. *looks at Ian* Are we clear now?
Ian: *looking crestfallen* Yes. Jordin is not my son.
Anna: Good. Okay, you two go back to the hotel. Jordin, I want to introduce you to my…father.
[suddenly, out of nowhere, a messenger pops up]
Messenger: Are you Anna?
Anna: Yes, I am.
Messenger: I’m here delivering a notice. You’re fired.
Anna: What?
Messenger: The new boss of the hotel, Sunshine von Lunaglow, is getting rid of the old staff. I’m sorry to inform you that you’re fired. Also, would you direct me to your friend Lindsey?
Anna: Uh, I think she’s in the other wing.

--

Messenger: [dashes off]
[Several moments later another piercing scream is heard]
Lindsey: What do you MEAN I'm fired? I can't be fired! I have a family to support!
Nick: [strangely] No you don't.
Lindsey: Oh, shut up. What is Misa going to do without my income as a tour guide! [She dashes into his room and shakes him by the collar] Misa! I've just been fired! We're going to have to live in the poorhouse!
Misa: What?
Dom: What?
Patrick: What?
Dom: How is this your conversation? Don't you have a daughter to be bonding with?
Patrick: Yeah. Anna, come here! We have an important conversation to eavesdrop on!
Anna: [enters, Jordin trailing] What?
Lindsey: I've just been fired and now we're going to have to live in the poorhouse! I can't imagine how we're going to get along without my money!
Anna: I know, I was just fired too.
Lindsey: The horror of it all!
Dom: No! It is Dominik to the rescue! Somehow I will save the day! [swoops in and picks Lindsey up] Come, Misa! To the Dom-mobile! [dashes away]
Anna: What's the Dom-mobile?
Jordin: I'm not sure but I don't think I'd like to ride in it.
Sergei: [entering] Why is there some guy in the parking lot driving away really really quickly in a pickup truck with a frightened-looking guy in the back of it?

Pieter: So we can go to the hotel and just hang out for a while, like normal people, right? And visit the wave pool, and maybe get a massage or something.
Ian: Right. And then we can find a kinkajou.
Pieter: Why do you want a rodent for a pet?
Ian: [Bottom lip begins to quiver] You don't want me to have any joy in my life…you keep denying me children! Why can't you just be happy for me?
Pieter: [sighs] Okay, if we get you a kinkajou, will you stop telling people you're pregnant and trying to kidnap people?
Ian: Possibly.
Pieter: Okay, let's go get some coffee. [They stop in the hotel cafeteria on the way out] Yeah, I'd like a latte, please.
Ian: I'd like a decaf latte. [He leans in to the clerk] I'm expecting, you know, and caffeine's not good for the baby.
Pieter: [cuffs him upside the head]
Ian: What? I thought it would be okay if you couldn't hear me!
[They walk into the parking lot]
Patrick: Damn you, Hasek! Damn you to hell! You knew my truck was better than yours, and you took it! Fie on you! Fie!
Anna: Fie? And this coming from the guy who said he wouldn't call someone an angel.
Patrick: Different matter entirely.
Jordin: You know, I'm not totally sure I want to get married to you any more, Anna.
Anna: But you have to! The verbal contract is legally binding!
Jordin: Yeah, but it was under duress! And you hadn't disclosed to me that your father was Patrick Roy!
Anna: I didn't know either!
Jordin: Ha ha! So you admit it! [dashes away]
Anna: Hey, I—what? [runs after him]
Patrick: Where are you going? [tags along]
Pieter: Wow, these people are freaks. Ian! Where are you going?
Ian: To find my sooooooooon!

--

[in the Dom-cave]
Dom: Okay, now turn that way…yes, and smile, fantastic! You’re a natural!
Lindsey: Really? *blushes* I never considered modeling as a career, but now that I need a new job…
Dom: You’re going to be the new face of the Dominator clothing line! You’ll never have to worry about money again!
Lindsey: Oh Dom, you’re the best! *hugs him* Misa, get over here, if it weren’t for your dad we’d be out on the streets!
Misa: No we wouldn’t, it’s not like I don’t work, you know.
Lindsey: Are you questioning me?
Misa: No ma’am.

[across town, at the docks]
Jordin [standing next to a boat named The Lombardy 1]: I’m taking my boat and getting out of here, and you can’t stop me!
Anna: Sweetheart, it’s not your boat.
Jordin: I don’t care!
Patrick: Don’t you dare step on that boat! You made a promise to my daughter and you’ll keep it, you little shit!
Anna: Why Daddy, I didn’t know you cared so much!
Jordin: You see, this is why I have to escape! I’ll be warped by you people!
Ian [running up]: Jordy, come to Mommy! It’s dangerous on that boat!
Pieter [following Ian]: Why are you the mother?
[suddenly, Sunny emerges from the boat]
Anna: It IS dangerous on that boat!
Sunny: This boat is my property now, but Mr. Tootoo, if you really want to take it, I’ll allow it…for a price.
Jordin: Fine, whatever!
Sunny [smiling wickedly]: Then it’s a deal. *jumps onto the dock and touches Jordin inappropriately* Oh I think you’ll have no problem paying this price.
Anna: Get your hands off him!
[Anna leaps at Sunny, and they are embroiled in a catfight. Everyone else forgets what else is going on and just stares, enraptured.]
Sunny: You’ll never win against me! *lashes out with stiletto heels*
Anna: Like saying it makes it true, shut up blondie! *yanks a handful of hair*
[Anna seems to be gaining the upper hand when Sunny suddenly shoves her onto the boat. The boat explodes, just as Lindsey pulls up in the Dom-mobile. Predictably, it starts to rain.]
Lindsey [standing in the rain]: Nooooooooooo!

--

[The Dom-mobile screeches to a halt]
Lindsey: Oh God, no!
Jordin: [swims up to shore and hangs onto the pier] Somebody! Somebody help me!
Ian: [turns to Pieter] You get him.
Pieter: What??!?! You're an Olympic-level swimmer just like me! You get him!
Sergei: You're a swimmer?
Pieter: You didn't know that?
Ian: Why are you here? [shakes his head] Never mind that! Someone must save my son!
Jordin: [wheezing] I'm not your son!
Ian: Shut up!
Pieter: The things I do for you. [dives in and rescues Jordin]
[They both get up onto the deck]
Ian: Phew, that was close. [clings to Jordin]
Jordin: Aaaahhh! Somebody rescue me!
Dom: Hey guys, what's happening?
Sergei: Where did you come from?
Dom: I had to go park the Dom-mobile. You can't just park anywhere, you know, you have to park in a parking space
Sergei: Because...why, exactly?
Dom: I might get a ticket otherwise.
Ian: Where's YOUR son? Aren't you worried about him?
Jordin: [gasps for breath]
Dom: Uh, he was in the car when I left it. I think. He's probably on his way, you know.
Jordin: Help...me...oh god!
Dom: Huh. [wanders away] Hey, nice sunset.
Sergei: That's not a sunset. That's an exploding boat.
Dom: Exploding boat, you say? Don't get many of those around here, I don't think.
Patrick: What are you, stupid? When was the last time you saw an exploding boat?
Dom: In a movie.
Patrick: Doesn't count.
Dom: Does so.
Patrick: Does not.
Dom: Does so.
Ian: Does so.
Jordin: [gasps]
Patrick: God damn!
[Anna comes walking up from a completely different direction]
Anna: Hey guys, what's going on?
Lindsey: Anna! We thought you were dead!
Anna: Pfft. Me, dead? As if. That other blonde chick probably won't be seeing too many more sunsets and/or exploding boats, though.
Lindsey: You killed her?
Anna: Yeah, well, let's just say we can probably get our jobs back now.
Lindsey: But I have a new job! I'm the new face of Dominator Clothing!
Anna: That...doesn't count, your father IS the Dominator.
Lindsey: [grins] I know.
Anna: [catches sight of Jordin] Ahhhh! [grabs at him]
Ian: This is my son!
Anna: Why is he all wet? And Pieter?
Ian: This is my son!
Anna: No! He's my fiancée!
Jordin: [wheezing] No I'm not! I'm going to be free, just as soon as this crazy man lets go of me!
Ian: Ha! Like THAT'LL ever happen!
Pieter: You may have to wait until he gets some sense into his head.
Ian: Ha! Like THAT'LL ever happen!
Misa: [walks up] Oh my God! You'll never believe what just happened as I was walking here! Dad, I didn't think it was necessary to park in that secluded woodland clearing, you know. I just saw a whole group of people rushing to the waterfront and screaming something about evacuating! We have to get on a boat now and run for our lives!

--

Anna: Well gee, seeing as how our boat has exploded and set fire to other boats, I think we’re pretty much screwed.
Jordin: No, I don’t want to die! I just wanted to be free!
Ian: There, there son, everything will be okay.
Pieter: How can you be so calm?
Ian: I stole your stash of pot.
Pieter: What!
Patrick: Hey, can I get in on that?
Dom: I can’t die, I still have so much to do! Retire, un-retire, open up some restaurants…
Misa: I didn’t want to die without finally having a normal relationship with my wife.
Lindsey: Hey, we have a highly normal relationship. It’s just, I have the same thing with your dad.
Misa: You see! Oh, I might as well swim for it!
Lindsey: Misa, you can’t swim! Don’t make Pieter dive in after you!
Pieter: Me again? You know, I’m not always going to save people.
Anna: Can we focus on the big picture here? We need to escape or we won’t see the next chapter of our lives! Literally!
Patrick: We should smoke some pot and then think about it.
Anna: No!

[suddenly, a fishing boat rounds the corner]
Man on the fishing boat: Hey, you guys need a lift?
Anna and Lindsey: [spluttering] Todd Bertuzzi?
Todd: *waves* Yo. I just heard the news, molten hot lava coming your way. I’ll be happy to give you guys a ride out of here.
Lindsey: Hot lava? We don’t live near any volcanoes. Or any other kind of geological hotspot for that matter.
Todd: Look, I’m just repeating what I heard. You guys want to get on or not?
Everyone: Yes.

[on the boat]
Todd: By the way, I ought to introduce my wife, Markus.
Markus Naslund [emerging from inside the boat]: Hello.
Lindsey: Okay, now I just keep waiting for Frala to pop up.
Anna: I know. Hey, Frala! Are you on this boat?
Man who looks just like Sunny: No, but I am!
Anna: No way, I got rid of you!
MWLJLS: That was my twin sister, my name is Starshine von Lunaglow.
Todd: Yeah, we found him floating in the water and took him on. Kind of wish we hadn’t now.
Markus: I said we should toss him overboard.
Todd: Except I couldn’t pollute the water that way.
Patrick: *narrows eyes* What kind of name is Starshine for a man?
Star: A really fabulous name!
Pieter: He’s gay.
Ian: Mmmhmmmm.
Dom: And not a very well dressed for a gay man. He should wear Dominator clothing.
Misa: Dad, I don’t think now’s the time to promote your clothing line.
Star: Why do you assume I’m gay? I could be straight.
Lindsey: But you’re not.
Star: Well, not in those exact terms, no…
Jordin: Um, I hate to interrupt, but who’s driving the boat right now?
Todd: What? Oh crap!
[the boat crashes into rocks]

--

Ian: [screams incoherently and clutches Pieter and Jordin] No, no, I don't want to die!
Jordin: I don't want to die either, but look, we're crashed on a reef by an island. And the boat isn't crippled.
Todd: I think we can get over to the island there without capsizing.
Ian: Oh, God! Not capsizing!
Pieter: Seriously, what are you on about? I'm pretty sure you can swim from here to there. If one of the top swimmers in the world can't do that, the world is in a sad state.
Ian: Stop complicating things with your "facts!" Maybe the extra weight will help me float better.
Anna: What?
Ian: The fat, I mean. The fat.
Anna: We had better get over to that island before we sink.
[Todd maneuvers the crippled boat, the S.S. Natuzzi, over to the sandy shore of an island]
Lindsey: Do you think we'll be safe from the freak volcano eruption, then?
Dom: Everyone is safe because the Dominator is here!
Patrick: Well so am I! Saint Patrick!
Dom: Do you have your own clothing line named after you that your daughter-in-law is the face of? And your own magazine? I think not!
Misa: Oh, God.
Markus: Look, everyone, this is a fantastic island! It's got a nice stream right there, and fruit trees, and maybe we can build a treehouse or something.
Star: Are you implying we might not be rescued promptly, because I have a manicure and pedicure at eight o'clock tonight and I can't miss it.
[Silence]
Anna: Are you SURE you're a man? Because I'm not.
Star: Yes! I am a one-hundred percent red-blooded male.
[Silence]
Todd: How come we even brought him on board in the first place?
Markus: I don't know, it was your idea.
[Everyone scrambles onto the shore]
Jordin: Wow, that was a close one. I'm glad nobody drowned.
Pieter: Hey! [chases Patrick] He's got my weed! Come back here, thief!
Patrick: [dashes away]
Anna: Dad?
Misa: Look, everyone! There's a giant storm coming! Come on, we have to seek shelter!
[The group dashes in masse to a nearby cave, where they all settle down to sit out the storm]
Pieter: [tackles Patrick] Give me that!
Patrick: Ahh! Uncle!
Pieter: [retreats to sit at the other end of the cave]
Markus: [brightly] Well, this is nice, we can have a campfire and have a singalong!
Star: I think this means I'm going to miss my manicure and pedicure.
[Suddenly a large crack of thunder sounds and rain begins to pour]
Ian: Eeeeeek! [leaps into Pieter's lap] How are you always so calm at nerve-wracking times like these?
Patrick: You have to ask?
Star: Hey, where did Jordin go? And Anna?
Todd: I don't know, I don't see them. And I don't see Dom or Lindsey, either. Maybe they went to a different cave?
Patrick: Well, since none of you imbeciles can build a fire, I suppose I'll have to do it. [grumbles profusely] Hey, where did Todd and Markus go?
Star: And Ian? And Pieter?
Patrick: What? I'm stuck here with you?
[Suddenly a figure appears at the cave opening, dripping wet]
Sergei: Wow, guys, glad to see you kept a fire burning for me.
Patrick and Star: Aiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

--

[two weeks later]
Patrick: This is the worst vacation I’ve ever been on. There is nothing to eat, nothing to do, nothing…and I’m stuck in a stinking cave with you two freaks!
Star: Hey, I resent being called a freak!
Sergei: I don’t think this cave smells. Wait, yes it does! Oh wait, no, that was me.
Patrick: Merde! I’m going to die in here!

[on the beach]
Ian [swimming laps]: This is so much more fun than *garglegargle*
Pieter [making a HELP sign with coconuts]: Ian, don’t talk while you’re swimming.
Ian [comes trotting up to the sand]: Mmm, salty. Hey look.
Pieter: What?
Ian: You can see my muscles!
Pieter: Wow, two weeks on a coconut diet and beach training really has helped!
Ian: This means…no baby?
Pieter: I’m sorry, love.
Ian: *sighs* That’s okay. Just hand me another joint and we’ll call it a day.
Pieter: That, I can do.

[in the forest area of island]
Misa: Dad! Lindsey! Where are you guys?
Lindsey [popping out from the underbrush]: Misa!
Dom [from next to Lindsey]: Son!
Misa: Okay, seriously, what is going on here? Because I’m not stupid, and you guys are always together, and –
Lindsey: Sweetheart, we were talking about business! I mean, I am the partner shareholder of Dominator clothing now.
Misa: You are?
Dom: Uh, yeah, I just drew up a contract in the sand here.
Misa: Oh.
Lindsey: So from now on, we have to spend a lot of time together, so we can make money to keep us in the lifestyle in which we have become accustomed. Is that okay?
Misa: I guess so.
Lindsey: Great! Group hug!

[on the S.S. Natuzzi]
Markus: Oh, Todd! Yes! Right there! Oh, it feels so good!
Todd: Wait, I’m still in the bathroom!

[somewhere on the island]
Jordin [roasting fish over a fire]: Lunch is ready!
Anna: Oh Jordin, you’re so handy. I don’t know how I’d survive without you.
Jordin: Well, you wouldn’t.
Anna: You didn’t have to put it that way. [taking her stick of fish] Hey, in your culture, does giving me fish mean you’re going to marry me?
Jordin: No. But when we get rescued, I’ll marry you anyway.
Anna: You will?
Jordin: Yeah. I might as well. I think you’ve got me too screwed me up for anyone else.
Anna: That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!

[suddenly, from overhead there is the sound of the helicopter]
Man with a megaphone: Hello! We have spotted your help signal and have come to save you! This is Adrian Brody, and you’re on Celebrity Saviors!
[a loud shriek is heard from the forest]: ADRIAN BRODY!!!
Adrian Brody: Don’t worry, everything is going to be okay now…

[epilogue]

Mrs. Thorne: Sierra Thorne gave birth to a healthy set of quintuplets and named them Jimmy, Johnnie, Jackie, Joey, and Marvin.

Brett: Brett Hull opened his own Krispy Kreme franchise and an adjoining bakery.

Jose Theodore: Jose Theodore found his hair serum wasn't working up to his standards and created his own formula. It is now hugely popular in Europe. Its secret ingredients are witch hazel and peppermint.

Martin Prusek: Martin Prusek built a shrine in his bedroom to Dominik Hasek. Every once in awhile, he sacrifices a chicken sandwich to the shrine. Dom senses the disturbance in the Force and visits him under the guide of "Czech goaltender bonding." Nobody has ever known about
this.

Tomas Holmstrom, Henrik and Daniel Sedin: Homer and the Sedin twins continue to work as paramedics in the off-season. They have not yet saved any lives, but they haven't killed anyone yet, either, so it's a draw. They are not officially licensed by any city, state, or government authority. But Homer really likes to ride around in the truck with the flashing lights.

Nick Lidstrom and Steve Yzerman: Nick actually went on to get a medical degree. It is just not in a medical field recognized by other doctors. He and Stevie still hope to open their own clinic one day. It will be a very, very specialized clinic, and the clientele will be mostly people that they know. They are very excited about this.

Daniel Alfredsson: Alfie decided that the pink shirt brought him luck, and forever after, he wore a pink shirt to every single hockey game he played. Everyone called him a pansy ass nancy boy, but Alfie didn't care. He went on to win MVP five years in a row. People shut up after that.

Nikolai Khabibulin: Nik Khabibulin has recovered from his fucking terrible headache and subsequent adventure in the hospital. But every so often he will have to smoke a cigarette and drink some coffee, and he doesn't know why. Inexplicably, during those moments Anna will look
up from what she is doing and smile.

Rebecca: Rebecca helped her husband Igor Larionov run his winery with efficiency. She never thought of that strange night with Sergei ever again. Sergei thought of it many a time, though.

Chrissy: Chrissy went on to lead a successful, ordinary life and never thought of the strange tour she took that Vinny Lecavalier was also on again. Still, sometimes when she goes to the bank she feels the need to explain about banks and movies. She has no idea why.

Frala: And Frala still has no idea how she got dragged into this. Every so often, she will simply shudder as an ominous feeling passes through her. But those pass, and life goes on.

Patrick Roy: Patty went on to win the prestigious Father Of The Year Award. He then opened up a fast food chain and became known as King Casseau. He also tried to start his own magazine, but his fast food made him world famous. To his chagrin, he was never asked to run for the leadership of any country like Dom had been.

Dominik Hasek: Dom was asked to run a country but turned it down to focus on his company. Dominator Clothing became known worldwide, and Lindsey and Misa moved into a new, large house with lots of space.

Misa Hasek: As the company became more famous, Misa developed a Valium habit to combat the stress, and was eventually fired from his job as a phone psychic. He eventually began spending seven hours a day locked in the study of his house, playing solitaire and listening to peppy Scandinavian music. After catching his father-in-law and wife in flagrante delicto, he entered the Witness Protection Program under the name of Misa Aloysius Smith. His whereabouts are rumored to be somewhere in Kentucky. He is still surreptitiously supported by
Dominator Clothing.

Sergei Fedorov and Starshine von Lunaglow: Sergei and Star found they had a lot in common, namely tacky taste and narcissism, and decided to get together. Sergei didn't want to be gay, so he made Star get a sex change operation. It was widely rumored that Star became Tara Reid.
They are no longer together. Sergei has tried unsuccessfully to pursue a career as an interior decorator. Sheathing things in gold is not as popular as one might suspect.

Ian Thorpe and Pieter van den Hoogenband: Ian and Pieter went on to open an aquatics training center and are happily successful, high, and proud owners of a dozen chinchillas, as chinchillas were the only thing they could agree on, being neither exotic rainforest mammals or children.

Jordin Tootoo: Anna and Jordin were married in a lavish wedding with lots of flowers and lace. Raw meat was an entree at the reception. Fig Newtons were not. Jordin now harbors an almost pathological fear of Fig Newtons. He has been driven to screaming when seeing them at the
supermarket. The Hasek family was in attendance, as well as was Vinny Lecavalier and Brad Richards. Anna and Jordin now reside in the penthouse suite of Anna's hotel, where the most prestigious and famous stay. Of all the 700 rooms, one remains empty every weekend for
reasons unknown. Although those weekends, Brad and Vinny are often seen wandering the hotel. Jordin also frequently takes weekend trips to visit his family and friends.

And finally, on the S.S. Natuzzi II, sailing somewhere in the calm waters off the coast of Florida...
Markus: Oh Todd, I love you so much! It feels so good! Faster! Harder! Yes!
Todd: Hang on, let me get my pants off!